Figuring it out..........

Since the motorhome burned, I have been looking at the pictures of it happening over and over again. We have them as a screensaver on the computers and I have a number of them printed out. They keep drawing me and at times I wonder why I did not seem to feel more when she was burning. Tonight some sort of explanation hit me. When we grabbed the very few items we could get out of her before she burned, it was not a concious decision to grab the camera - just instinct, probably born of many years of having a camera as an extension to my hand. Only afterwards, while looking at the photos did I realize at what point I started taking the photos I did. Pure instinct. When it felt as if I was going to cry or not cope I remember thinking/feeling that all I had to do was to look through the camera lens, take photos and I could deal with what was happening. I took many, many photographs! Maybe it was putting something, the camera, between me and what was reality that helped. A shield of some sort. I only remember looking at her burning through the camera lens. There was no way that I could have put that camera down - it was an absolute need to keep taking photographs. Each time my throat closed up, or my legs wanted to give way, or my eyes clouded over, or I looked at Frank or my brain started to process what was happening - up came that camera. Frank was behind the motorhome at the pick-up, seeing it from a different angle with no camera to shield him from the truth - I watched him through that lens too. Maybe taking photos of distressing situations creates a delayed reaction and allows an emotional strenghtening before reality grabs one. Maybe. I know that it did catch up to me. My youngest daughter asked me about a week afterwards how I did not just break down and cry. Well, that night I did. The sadness hit me but by then I was stronger, more immune and able to cry, knowing that I could and would stop. Frank just held me quietly and let me cry, also dealing with the loss in his way. It was much easier than if I had 'let go' right there. The sensible side had kicked in and it was definately not as bad as it felt on the side of the road. The pictures still keep our attention and we are thankful that none of the photographs are of anyone hurt.... A big thanks to Mary and Joey H. and family, and Judy and Gary K. and family from Springfield and Warrior, for their help, patience and love and care. You warmed our hearts and feet too!